Understanding Grief

The death of a friend or loved one is hard. The reaction people have to loss and death is called grief. Grief is natural and is experienced in some manner by all who have lost someone they loved. Grief can also be experienced after any time of loss, including the loss of a pet, a relationship, a job or any other time in life where major changes happen (i.e., retirement or when grown children leave the home). The grieving process, or mourning, is part of a path to healing from the loss of someone or something there was an attachment to. This process happens typically in four areas of life: 1) feelings, 2) physical sensations, 3) thoughts and 4) behaviors. Following is a list of normal reactions during mourning:

Feelings:  A wide range of emotions can be felt while a person is grieving (Freeman, 2005).

  • Sadness (missing the person)
  • Numbness (cannot feel anything)
  • Shock
  • Anger (asking why this happened)
  • Guilt (for something said/done or not said/done)
  • Anxiety (Thinking, “How can I go on without them?”)
  • Sense of panic
  • Fear
  • Helplessness
  • Relief (if the loved one was suffering)

Physical Sensations: Grief can cause many different feelings in the body.

  • Hollowness in the pit of the stomach
  • Tightness in chest or throat
  • Weakness in the muscles
  • Lack of energy
  • Dry mouth
  • Insomnia (inability to sleep)
  • Loss of appetite
  • Sense of depersonalization (A feeling that nothing seems real, including oneself)

Thoughts: Thoughts that occur during the grieving process can be disturbing

  • Being preoccupied with the deceased person where you cannot stop thinking about them
  • Believing you can see or hear the deceased person
  • Disbelief
  • Confusion
  • Suicidal thoughts

Behaviors: Many common behaviors happen in those experiencing grief

  • Dreams of the deceased person
  • Avoiding places and things that remind one of the deceased person
  • Treasuring objects that belonged to the deceased person
  • Social withdrawal
  • Absentmindedness or forgetfulness
  • Sighing
  • Restlessness
  • Crying

These are all normal reactions to losing someone with whom there was once an attachment (Freeman, 2005). The time for which someone experiences these effects can range from days to months. People do not typically have all their negative experiences, then feel better. Rather, the negative experiences can come and go at different rates- alternating good days with bad days. Generally, after the first few months, gradual improvement in negative experiences occur. But anniversaries or other reminders of the death event can bring a new wave of negative feelings. Somewhere between 18-24 months, a person suffering from grief begins to bear the pain of the loss more easily and proceed with living.

It is widely held that there are tasks that must be worked through in the grieving process (Freeman, 2005). These tasks are summarized here:

  • The person must express the reality of death. This means talking about it and confronting the reality of the death and that the person is not coming back. Using the word “death” can help with this task.
  • The individual needs to tolerate the suffering and emotions while also taking care of themself both emotionally and physically. Realizing that all the feelings and thoughts (discussed above) that occur in grief are normal and they are not “crazy.”
  • The person needs to transfer their relationship with the lost loved one from one of presence to one of memory. In a sense, a new relationship must be created in order to live a different life without the deceased person’s presence.
  • The person needs to develop a new sense of identity without their loved one. Transitioning from “we” to “I” brings many fears of autonomy. Developing a new singular sense of self can take time, but it is necessary.
  • Finally, the toughest task to be undertaken after the death of a loved one is to relate to the experience of the loss in the context of meaning-developing a way of thinking about the death that brings meaning to it. Spiritual beliefs can help with this.

Everyone works through these tasks at their own level and at their own pace. Having a task at hand to work toward is often just what is needed to move the grieving person forward and not remain “stuck” in the negative thoughts and feelings.

 If someone struggles with any aspect of grieving, whether it is a normal grief response or something out of the ordinary, a behavioral health professional can ease the person’s journey. Counselors can help mourning individuals work through the process of grieving and are a guide to helping find additional services if any symptom develops into a mental health crisis. If you are mourning the loss of a loved one or love someone who is morning, there are things that may help through the struggle.

Grief support groups are one way to share with others or simply hear others’ stories. Grief is a universal phenomenon that all humans share at some point. Simply not feeling alone in the struggle helps many people to find strength and healing. Journaling thoughts, feelings and memories with the lost loved one is another way to process the intense feelings and thoughts that happen during this time. Putting words on paper has the power to help organize thoughts that otherwise seem a jumble. Reach out to others if you are grieving, and be available to those you know who may be grieving. There are healing properties in being with others who care. Mourning is a difficult journey, but progress does happen. Work through it and seek help.

Lori Beisner, LMHC
Behavioral Health Project Manager
Polk County Health and Human Services

Reference

Freeman, S. J. (2005). Grief and Loss: Understanding the Journey. Thomson Brooks/Cole.